The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms . . .
— Deuteronomy 33:27

I am sorry for the lack of posting in a long while. Life and ministry have occupied most of my time, and I am sad to report to those who don’t follow me on Twitter that our church is undergoing yet more challenges from the beast called cancer. In the last 6 months we lost our friends Anne and Richard. We have more still battling, including our friend Natalie. Can I tell you a bit about her?

Natalie is one of our deaconesses. I say “is” even though she tried to resign and we wouldn’t accept. It didn’t seem right. One of my first memories of Natalie was at a funeral, actually, one of the first of the many I have officiated in my five years in Middletown. I don’t even remember who it was for — it was not a church member but a townsperson — and I was doing my normal introverted, new pastor on the job thing, being young and shy and scared hanging out in the kitchen at the fire hall. Natalie comes walking in. “What are you doing in here? Go out there and meet people.”

Excuse me? Who does this lady think she is?

One of my best critics and greatest friends, actually. As I’ve thought over our friendship the last few weeks, it occurs to me that Natalie is the person from the church I talk with the most. Several times a week we exchange emails. We volunteer together at the local food shelf. When I have to meet with a woman alone at the church, Natalie is the one who will come and hang out in the room next door. Natalie is the one who, when she’s at the table, I know things will get done. When she says something is doable, dangit, it’s doable. Natalie went from my shrewdest challenger to my fiercest supporter and encourager.

On Easter Sunday a friend said, “Natalie, your eyes look yellow.” She went to the doctor that Monday, where they did blood work. Tuesday they called and said “Go to the ER.” She was in the hospital over a week. They found problems with the bile duct, but in that process, also, pancreatic cancer, which, they say, nobody survives. But they also created all kinds of complications in the bile duct procedures which left her feeble and wounded. Talk of air building up, of bile building up, of perforated this and that. And even if that stuff could be fixed, there was still the cancer, which again they say, nobody survives.

Natalie refused treatment. She could not endure any more surgeries. Every thing the doctors did only created three more things to do. She wasn’t going to fool with all that.

She’s at a friend’s home now in Middletown, and hospice has taken over. They gave her a few days to two weeks to live. That was 11 days ago. She’s in a lot of pain. We all hope the perforations and the air and the bile and all that is getting sorted internally, by the body’s great design or God’s great miraculous way. But there’s still that cancer untreated. And nobody, they say, survives that.

I’ve been reading Scripture to her. She asked for Revelation — with its whores and dragons and plagues and beheadings — and for Ecclesiastes — with its vanities and meaninglessnesses and chasings of the wind. This tells you something about Natalie.

I said, “Why Revelation?,” as I’m reading Jesus’ letters to the churches. “This is what I have against you!” he declares over and over.
She said, “He’s not talking to me!”
True enough.
I said, “Why Ecclesiastes?”
She said, “Because I see that having a bunch of stuff and money and fame doesn’t do anything. It tells me I didn’t waste my life.”

Some people tell Natalie they are mad at God about this. She gets mad about their getting mad. “God’s the reason we have anything in the first place.”

Yesterday she pointed to the collection of cards she’s received. “I almost wish you’d take them all away,” she said.
“Why?”
“Because they go on and on about how great I am and how I’ve done all these wonderful things for them. And they don’t know how selfish I am. Anything good I’ve done wasn’t me.”

Her kids are grown. They are all here, even her son who lives in Sweden. He says, “Wouldn’t it be something if of all the things the doctors got terribly wrong, it was also this diagnosis about the bile and the air? Maybe, if she starts feeling better, she will change her mind about fighting the cancer.”

But, they keep saying, nobody survives pancreatic cancer.

Natalie was upset the other day that she didn’t know when she was gonna go. “They said ‘a few days to two weeks’ eleven days ago. Now they won’t tell me how long I have.” She pauses, eyes closed. “God knows.”

I don’t know when Natalie will go. I don’t know when I will go. None of us knows the when, really. I could go before her. Any of us could.

I preached on Psalm 1 at a conference last weekend, and this line from verse 6 strikes me: “the Lord knows the way of the righteous.” There is nothing more precious than to be known by God, all our days and all our ways.

It has been difficult watching Natalie, a fit, healthy, thin giant of a woman, shrink down in body and energy. And yet, one thing I have learned over the course of our church’s afflictions is that when a saint’s body gives way, their spirit builds up. They get smaller, and God gets bigger, as if their passing is itself a foretaste of the day Christ will put all things in subjection under his feet. And we are not annihilated on that day but redeemed, resurrected, restored. When we die, we get smaller and God gets bigger, that he might be all in all (1 Cor. 15:28).

The day before Richard died, I stood in his bedroom while he lay in his deathbed. Another bed had been pressed up against it, where his wife slept by his side in the night. I was told I could speak to him, although Richard was not conscious, heavily sedated. Because of that other bed parallel to his own, I could not sit near him. I had to actually lay down next to him. So I did. While his sister and aunt watched, I crawled basically into bed with him, lying on my side to face him, and we laid there, inches from each other, while I looked into his thin face. His eyes were closed and his mouth was open. I could feel and smell his breath, slow and labored on my own face. I said to him, “Richard, God loves you and approves of you.” (These were the words the Spirit spoke to my heart in my moment of gospel wakefulness years ago.) “Richard, the Lord is proud of you and ready to welcome you because of your faith in him.” Then I said something that has been a meaningful exhortation to me ever since Ray Ortlund said it to me over plates of enchiladas at Cancun Mexican Restaurant in Nashville, Tennessee. “You are a mighty man of God.”

The words sounded weird given our intimate, vulnerable, tender positions.

In the ordinary, in the mundane, in the boredom. In the throes of suffering, in the pangs and numbness of depression, in the threats to life and safety. Christ is all.

Richard passed early the next morning. His body finally gave way to the brokenness and the curse. Few people survive brain tumors. And yet — he did. He really and truly did. Thinking of him standing in the presence of God in great glory, presented blameless by virtue of the righteousness of Christ, he was swallowed up into the divine kingdom in which he was already seated with Christ, into the very God in which he was already hidden. Richard was — is — more than a conqueror.

Jesus looks right into the eyes of Lazarus’ sobbing sister and says, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me, though he dies, yet shall he live. Do you believe this?”

I do. I really do, by God’s grace.
So does Natalie. Nobody survives pancreatic cancer, “they” say. But the blood of Christ speaks a better word. Natalie will survive.

Everyone who is in Christ will survive — prevail, even.

He must increase, but I must decrease.
— John 3:30

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Comments:


19 thoughts on “When We Get Small and God Gets Big”

  1. Linda Johnston says:

    Beautifully said. Every pastor needs a Natalie.

  2. Michael says:

    Though we have never met, I am touched by your comments on Twitter and in this blog about the challenges that you and your church have been facing lately with the beast called cancer. Your candor is a blessing. I have tears as I read this. Thank you. All glory to God. Even in this. Especially in this.

    You are in our prayers.

  3. David Axberg says:

    Thanks for the words of life. You and your family and extended family at Middletown Springs are in our prayers. God Bless Now!

  4. As a pastor I know whereof you speak. It is hard to watch those I love “go.’ i watched my mom go to be with Jesus from cancer. I keep telling myself “O grace where is your victory? You have none!” Good to hear from you Jared (although you don’t know me from Adam).

  5. Flyaway says:

    Your writing is so moving. Beautifully done. I think the Lord is taking home more saints lately for some reason.

  6. Joan says:

    Good, God honoring words, Pastor. Well done, Natalie!

  7. Wendy Alsup says:

    Thank you for sharing this, Jared. There is much to meditate on here.

  8. Lawrence M says:

    Thank you for sharing. I plan to read your post to my son. He recently read The fault in our Stars…. I told him that the world does not share our view of dying. They have no hope without Jesus. God bless.

  9. Jane Bailey says:

    It takes courage to look at death, our mortality, the choices God makes for our lives and for our loved ones. We want to fight and scratch and scream and do more to fight. So hard to know when to give in, surrender, take ourselves off the throne. Bless you for this article. May God’s peace be in the pain and draw us ever closer to Him.

  10. Ryan says:

    Thank you for lifting our eyes to Jesus.

  11. JCH says:

    Even as a young man (I’m 33 yo), I am becoming increasingly aware of my own mortality, as I seen my parents age, my children grow, neighbors and grandparents die. This blog reminds me that “man’s days are like grass, the wind passes over it and it is gone and it’s place knows it no more.” That is why I have been preaching the gospel to myself more regularly and reminding myself that because Jesus conquered the grave, death has lost its sting. It no longer has the final word. Instead, it is my servant (and the servant of all those who belong to Jesus) to usher me into the presence of God where there is fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. Lord, I believe. Help me and Natalie and all those who are yours…Help our unbelief.

  12. Lana says:

    thank you for sharing these stories – stories are powerful and touch our hearts deeply. we are now living with the reality of this beast – pancreatic cancer in my father – which has already spread to his liver. It’s strange; however, because he is nearly symptom free. trusting God for each day and loving him deeply — enjoying the gift of life while it remains. As you said – none of us know when our numbered days, known by God, are finished. We have said those exact words to my father — any of use, dad, could go before you. That is the truth. Thank you for the reminder that Christ’s blood has a better word – and that ultimately, we will prevail in HIM.

  13. Lindsey says:

    Beautiful Jared. Wish we were up there with you all in times like this.

  14. Tracy Markland says:

    Thank you Pastor Jared for this.

  15. Jason Kates says:

    AMEN

  16. Phil W says:

    Marvelous. Oh, Lord, have mercy on us for your name’s sake.

  17. Karen says:

    Thanks for your post. My father died of pancreatic cancer. After diagnosis, he lived in this world less than four months. I know he is in Heaven, but I miss him so much. I do know that I will see him again, whole, handsome, and happy. Your post really helped me today. Thank you.

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Jared C. Wilson


Jared C. Wilson is the pastor of Middletown Springs Community Church in Middletown Springs, Vermont. You can follow him on Twitter.

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