May
06
2011
Infertility and Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day is a painful day for many in the church. Russell Moore offers a good suggestion for pastors.
(Dr. Moore was recently on FamilyLife with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine, and you can read or listen to their discussion on infertility, adoption, and the rearing of children who were adopted.)
I was also reminded of a section from a Mother’s Day sermon by John Piper where he addressed some various issues of pain that can be associated with this day:
There are millions of single women, and many will stay single.
There is a grace from God for that—a very special grace and for some even a calling.
There are women who are single mothers and the marriage element in the calling I just described is painfully missing.
Jesus Christ has a grace for that.
There are women who are married and cannot, or, with their husbands, choose not, to have children.
Jesus has a grace for that.
Update: I thought this comment below from a wise brother was worth highlighting:
Pastors, if there are two things I would add they would be as follows.
First, please avoid making a distinction between mothers and non-mothers in a physical way (e.g. having all the moms stand up or giving flowers to all the moms). I well remember sitting in a Father’s Day service where all the dads were asked to stand. I felt like there was a huge neon sign over me that kept flashing “not able to have kids, not able to have kids.” My wife felt it keenly as well: she began to weep. The most pastorally sensitive leaders I know avoid this like the plague. Instead, they acknowledge the day and proceed to pray earnestly for the full range of emotions that are being experienced on that day (since it is often quite painful, not just for those unable to have kids, but for those estranged from their moms, those moms who are estranged from their kids, those who have recently lost a mother, etc.).
This leads to the second thing. As Moore indicates, it is important to recognize that there are many conflicting emotions going on during a Mother’s Day service. It is crucially important to pastor all the people through that time. Here is the prayer I would offer on Mother’s Day:
Heavenly Father, on a day like Mother’s Day there are so many different emotions that we bring to you.
Some of us bring emotions of deep gratitude and joy for the mothers you have blessed us with, mothers who have
loved us,
cared for us,
walked with us
and taught us how to live well.
We praise you for such love shown to us through our moms and we pray for all those who are moms, that you would give them:
strength where they are weak,
wisdom where they are unsure,
patience with the many demands placed upon them,
faith in your care for them and their families,
and love—deep love—for those whom you have given them to nurture.
Others of us bring emotions of sadness and pain. Some of us are saddened because our relationship with our mom is not easy, or was not easy, or perhaps never existed at all.
Please
meet us in our pain,
heal our hearts where they are wounded,
soften our hearts where they are hardened,
and enable us to forgive and to love even those who have hurt us.
Others of us are saddened because we long to be moms, long to have children, and yet are not able to do so.
Father of mercies,
give us comfort in our sadness,
trust in you despite unfulfilled longings,
and joy in knowing that you never stop loving us or having our best in mind.
We pray these things to you as our Father, who loved us before the world began, and will love us forevermore.
In Jesus’ name, amen!
28 Comments
In preparing for this Sunday, I was thinking of how to weep with those who weep on a day specifically set aside to rejoice with those who rejoice. I was surprised with how many situations I could think of that are painful on Mother’s Day:
- Couples who cannot have children
- Those who have lost a child
- Single parents
- Those who have lost their mother
- Those who had an unloving mother or a strained relationship with her
- Single ladies who desire to have a family
- Moms whose children have rebelled
and honestly, many moms have a lot of concern and worry in their hearts.
It’s not surprising that a day associated with parenting would have joy and pain all intertwined. Our human experience is like that: great potential, joy, celebration, and love mixed with groans. And it is a good thing to celebrate those wonderful people, mothers. But for the hard situations, I appreciate the reminder that Jesus has a grace for that.
One additional group who may be especially sensitive during mother’s day services are those who are post-abortive….regardless of whether or not they have other children…..this can include extended family as well as the woman….
I appreciate your sensitivity to God’s heart of great mercy & grace….
I get to celebrate Mother’s Day for the first year that my wife is a mother. That’s all that’s been on my mind.
And honestly, I had never thought about the pain it could potentially dredge up, eve before. Thank you for calling attention to it and making me step back.
Oh, I do hope lots of pastors and church leaders see this and take it to heart. Until God allowed us to adopt our daughter, Mother’s Day was such a painful day for me. To sit in the choir loft and remain seated while nearly every other married lady stood up to be honored as a mother was hard to take. God gave grace and contentment and comfort in his goodness and sovereignty during those years, but Mother’s Day was always hard. Now I think of my daughter’s birth mother, and wonder what this day is like for her. In another way, for the last several years Mother’s Day has been painful for my own mom as she grieves the death of my little sister. A lot of pain on this day. May God give the body of Christ the grace to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.
This is such a thoughtful blog post. Oftentimes, we forget that Mother’s Day can be very painful for many women. As you mentioned—those single women that simply haven’t found their match yet and who are unable to start a family yet; those single moms that struggle with motherhood solo; and those women that, for whatever reason, are unable to have children. Thank you for reminding me to keep these women in my prayers this Mother’s Day
My wife and I have been unable to have children and so I am very grateful for such a pastorally sensitive post.
Pastors, if there are two things I would add they would be as follows. First, please avoid making a distinction between mothers and non-mothers in a physical way (e.g. having all the moms stand up or giving flowers to all the moms). I well remember sitting in a Father’s Day service where all the dads were asked to stand. I felt like there was a huge neon sign over me that kept flashing “not able to have kids, not able to have kids”. My wife felt it keenly as well: she began to weep. The most pastorally sensitive leaders I know avoid this like the plague. Instead, they acknowledge the day and proceed to pray earnestly for the full range of emotions that are being experienced on that day (since it is often quite painful, not just for those unable to have kids, but for those estranged from their moms, those moms who are estranged from their kids, those who have recently lost a mother, etc.).
This leads to the second thing. As Moore indicates, it is important to recognize that there are many conflicting emotions going on during a Mother’s Day service. It is crucially important to pastor all the people through that time. Here is the prayer I would offer on Mother’s Day:
Heavenly father, on a day like Mother’s Day there are so many different emotions that we bring to you.
Some of us bring emotions of deep gratitude and joy for the mothers you have blessed us with, mothers who have
loved us,
cared for us,
walked with us
and taught us how to live well.
We praise you for such love shown to us through our moms and we pray for all those who are moms, that you would give them:
strength where they are weak,
wisdom where they are unsure,
patience with the many demands placed upon them,
faith in your care for them and their families,
and love – deep love – for those whom you have given them to nurture.
Others of us bring emotions of sadness and pain. Some of us are saddened because our relationship with our mom is not easy, or was not easy, or perhaps never existed at all. Please
meet us in our pain,
heal our hearts where they are wounded,
soften our hearts where they are hardened,
and enable us to forgive and to love even those who have hurt us.
Others of us are saddened because we long to be moms, long to have children, and yet are not able to do so. Father of mercies,
give us comfort in our sadness,
trust in you despite unfulfilled longings,
and joy in knowing that you never stop loving us or having our best in mind.
We pray these things to you as our Father, who loved us before the world began, and will love us forevermore.
In Jesus’ name, amen!
Why not just not have Mother’s Day services? It’s not like Mother’s Day is a biblical holiday, or even a traditional one. Besides, every Mother’s Day sermon sounds the same to me. They could all be summed up as “Mothers are great, aren’t they?”, or sometimes “Mothers should be good mothers, not bad ones”. We need to set aside a Sunday for this?
[...] http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/05/06/infertility-and-mothers-day/ [...]
Bob S–really? “Capitulation to worldly thinking?” He’s merely encouraging pastors to be sensitive to women that are having difficulty conceiving or who may have lost children. It’s Christian kindness and sensitivity. C’mon!
Really? Think again.
Moms are wonderful people who serve and sacrifice. In their love, we learn something about God’s love. We are right to express appreciation and to celebrate them. A little fanfare once per year that becomes part of the family’s story together is fun and good.
It is a sad reality that in this fallen world, this celebration touches many people where it hurts. We weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. It is right to celebrate moms and express our appreciation, but it is a good reminder to be pastorally sensitive to those who are hurting.
Thank you! Mother’s day/Father’s day are indeed difficult days for many couples, my wife and I included.
Since at least 1/6th of the married population struggle with infertility and many are not able to adopt, this is a good, loving thing to be sensitive to in our churches. We shouldn’t NOT honour motherhood/fatherhood… but, as was mentioned above, there are better ways to go about doing it.
Thanks again.
Thank you for the post and for the update. Whew, that update. If I can at all help it, I don’t go to church on Mother’s day. Not because I am not thrilled for a day to honor mothers. I love my mother. It is just a distinct slap in the face when all mothers are asked to stand. It is hard enough that couples avoid sitting by singles on Sunday mornings like we have the plague but to be sitting there alone while the moms stand up? Torture.
I am “single, never married”. My life is beyond full and I am so thankful for where God has me. At the very same time I am super content and also still long to be a wife and mother.
I’m surrounded by friends at church and at work who are walking through infertility. They, too, avoid church on Mother’s and Father’s days. Again, brutal. “Neon sign”.
The last thing I want pastors to do is walk on egg shells but I would ask for a smidge of sensitivity.
Last year my pastor’s wife posted something on her Facebook wall for those who want to be but aren’t mothers on Mother’s Day. It was so kind and touching and sensitive. A woman who has been married since she was very young and has four grown children, she had the sensitivity to post that. It made me weep with thanksgiving.
Sorry for all the rambling.
Again, thank you for this post.
This is why, as a pastor, I don’t really do anything for Mother’s Day. About the most we do to “address it” is to have the men in the congregation bring the special music. There is usually a brief mention of the occasion during the pastoral prayer, always with the concerns mentioned here. The rest of the service is fully focused on the gospel and the grace and word of God, just like any other Sunday.
Both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are excellent opportunities for pastors to preach Biblical manhood and womanhood regardless of whether or not certain people in your congregation have children. EVERY adult Christian should be spiritual fathers and mothers. If you are not being a father or a mother to someone in your church who is not your own child, you ought to reconsider your usefulness in the church ” . . . by this time you ought to be teachers” (Heb. 5:12).
There is a man in my church who has no physical children, but has more sons than anyone I know. He has given his life to teaching young men and helping them to overcome their sexual sins and turning to Christ. THAT is a father, and that may be more fatherly than what any physical father may offer.
So Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are useful for encouraging our congregations to care for one another’s souls and especially those who need real, spiritual fathers and mothers.
As always, Russ Moore is insightful and discerning. I still have one problem however. What is the church doing celebrating a Hallmark Card day, especially when there is tremendous neglect of the Church calendar and liturgical year. In most churches that emphasize “Mother’s Day” there is a woeful neglect of days such as Ascension Day, Pentecost Sunday, Epiphany, etc. Of course they mark Christmas and Easter, just like the people who show up at their churches on those two Sundays. I am all for honoring mothers and fathers, and even preaching and teaching on the subject from Scripture, but most who make a big deal out of this think in terms of a “Mother’s Day” sermon, rather than it growing out of the witness of Scripture concerning the home. The church needs to stop taking its cue from the world and return to a more redemptive understanding of what Sunday is about.
Amen Philip Moyer. I agree with Justin’s post in its encouragement to be sensitive, but in the covenantal context of the church family every woman is a “mother” either biologically or spiritually or both. Let’s not miss an opportunity to encourage both God’s design for the family as well as His design for the church.
[...] some cautions for pastors on this [...]
[...] Source [...]
Good comments, RC and Jordan S.
I think influential bloggers like Justin should be speaking out against this American-inspired commercialized junk. Personally, on Mothers Day I’m always tempted to go to church with something to be sick in.
In a fallen world Motherhood is a GIFT and should be celebrated as such! Though sensitivity is good it should not take away from the celebration and sharing in the joy of those that have been blessed with this gift of motherhood. A mother should not feel as though she needs to hide her joy on a day meant to observe her. I don’t believe Piper or Moore ever intended to say that the church shouldn’t specifically observe mothers on Mother’s Day as many of the comments say or allude to.
Mother’s Day is not a commercial holiday. As with any other (positive) holiday intended as a day of observation commercialism has entered in. We’ve allowed this to happen, but it shouldn’t take away from there being a specific day to observe the woman that gave us life.
Wonderfully thoughtful! Thank you. I have led many Sunday services on Mother’s Day since my ordination in ’83….this certainly encouraged a fresh awareness to the diversity of situations and pain that is often just a few feet away. Good job.
Good, thought-provoking post, with some timely comments. May I add one thought. Everybody has a mother, whether living or dead. We can all celebrate God’s wise design of motherhood, and thank God for the many selfless sacrifices of our own mothers, whether or not we have children. The sentiment of this post, helpful because we should be sensitive to the griefs, pains, and sorrows of all those who worship around us, seems to underscore the “it’s all about me” problem a bit. Mother’s Day is not about me. It’s about my Mother. It’s about millions of mothers. It’s about God who wisely designed the human family and created motherhood.
Perhaps there is a consequence to celebrating a concoction/invention of Hallmark Cards Inc. in the Church, however well meaning the original intent may have been?
kpolo,
A good reminder. Is there any reason to believe Mothers Day was the invention of Hallmark? In my brief research, I did not see any such connection, nor reason to suspect such. As to the church, it can ignore it completely, over sentimentalize it shamefully, or utilize it sparingly and wisely. I prefer the latter.
As to the church, it can ignore it completely, over sentimentalize it shamefully, or utilize it sparingly and wisely. I prefer the latter.
Good comment, Greg. Mentioning “Mother’s Day” is adiaphora—something indifferent. There’s nothing inherently sinful or virtuous about it. Honoring mothers, of course, is mandatory.
The last few days have been tough. Thank you for posting this blog. It has been very encouraging for my husband and I. We are one of “those couples” that are unable to have children for whatever reason. Although we have faith in the Lord to have kids someday, I admit it is tough.
Like most pastors, I know of those in my congregation who are struggling (or have struggled) with infertility. In order to seek to be sensitive to these dear sisters and brothers, I have made Mother’s Day not a celebration of motherhood, but a thanksgiving for the mothers God has blessed each one of us with. Yes, I acknowledge that there are those who may find it hard to bless God for their mother – but I think this approach has been appreciated by many.