Jan
27
2013
The Mirage and Marriage
Now that the laughter has subsided, don't you feel at least a little sorry for Manti Te'o? The former college football star will never live this one down, no matter how many tackles he makes in the NFL. And he seemed genuinely smitten with his girlfriend, who turned out to be nothing more than the figment of a cruelly deranged (and apparently bored) young man. Te'o seemed genuinely grieved when he learned of her unexpected demise and genuinely confused when called one last time to say she's had actually faked her death. Turned out she (he) actually faked the whole thing. And Te'o hardly had a clue.
The clue should have come when this supposed girlfriend wouldn't let him see her face during online calls. How could he call this "woman" his girlfriend when he'd never even met her? That's why when we stopped scorning Te'o, then stopped laughing at him, we still couldn't quite feel sorry for him. How could he be so stupid? How could he in turn deceive his family, reporters, and the rest of us, even after he suspected the hoax? Obviously he didn't think we'd understand and sympathize. He's probably right. Even though we perpetuate our own hoax nearly every time we open our laptops or pull out our smartphones.
How closely does your Facebook profile resemble your actual life? If we only knew you from a Twitter feed, would you think we really understood your hopes and dreams, your joys and fears? Facebook may ask what you're feeling, but the rest of us don't really care. We can't even keep up with the drama in our families, among our closest friends. How can we handle the momentary peaks and valleys of hundreds, even thousands of friends? So we outline an online persona in black and white and only color in the parts we feel safe to expose. You only know I'm sick if I can find a witty way to tell you. You only find out I'm in despair if I can link the encouraging Bible verse God tossed me as a life raft.
You can fool anyone online for a while. Are you really surprised Te'o fell for the ruse? It's a small jump from crafting your online profile to inventing an entirely fake persona. Imagine the myth you could perpetuate when you're not even bound by the confines of all three dimensions.
High Bar
No wonder online meeting so often crashes on the rocks of online dating, when the self-selected profile gives way to a three-dimensional person, sins and all. The rise of social media has eliminated at least some of the healthy skepticism surrounding online meeting. Now we're all linked together and searchable by the "likes" we wear as virtual nametags. Like Downton Abbey? You must be at least somewhat sophisticated. Post pics of your latest backpacking adventure? You must enjoy a little mystery in life. From here anyone can probably guess some of the books you love and movies you never miss on cable. They know whether or not you'd be compatible as a "friend" or more.
At least a dose of skepticism in online dating has always been warranted, because no meeting can become a marriage until the third dimension thrashes around for a while. That is, assuming you're actually seeking a spouse through online dating. According to Dan Slater, who recently wrote "A Million First Dates: How Online Dating Is Threatening Monogamy" for The Atlantic, the very process undermines this goal. On purely financial terms, online dating sites don't want you to find a permanent match.
"The positive aspects of online dating are clear: the Internet makes it easier for single people to meet other single people with whom they might be compatible, raising the bar for what they consider a good relationship," Slater writes. "But what if online dating makes it too easy to meet someone new? What if it raises the bar for a good relationship too high?"
Break up online, and you're only a couple clicks away from what could be a better match. Why stick it out? Why fight through anything? The attitude formed by this context doesn't necessarily change even in marriage. Maybe no one loves dating sites and social media more than divorce lawyers. One-third of divorce filings in 2011 mentioned Facebook. Another recent survey revealed that one-third of Facebook users feel less satisfied with their lives after browsing their friends' profiles. Vacation photos created the greatest sense of envy. And reading about their friends' happy relationships only highlighted their own unhappiness. So social media fosters our envy even as it opens our opportunities to mix and mingle.
Profound Mystery
Even so, the decisive change in our understanding of marriage actually predates online dating and social media. While these technologies may exacerbate the problem, they didn't create it. We were already steeped in a view of marriage as less of a covenant for life and more of a union of affection. But here's what changed: with increased options in an expanded online market, we can wait to find a spouses who doesn't need much work, who won't expect much change from us, either. A few years ago I talked to a pastor officiating a wedding who told me he counsels couples not to worry about that "one-flesh business" (Gen. 2:24, Matt. 19:5-6, 1 Cor. 6:16, Eph. 5:31). You marry someone whose individuality you appreciate and respect, he reasoned. So don't try to change your spouse.
No wonder marriage rates have plummeted. If you're not expecting any change in marriage, you better not hitch your wagon to someone who needs help or, worse, thinks you need help. As Tim Keller writes in his book The Meaning of Marriage, "Never before in history has there been a society filled with people so idealistic in what they are seeking in a spouse." High ideals—the kind cultivated by online meeting and social media—lead us to believe someone better must be out there. And no one wants to risk settling for anything less than the elusive and nebulous "soul mate." It's too late when many finally realize their extreme idealism of marriage has given way to deep pessimism. Keller writes:
To conduct a Me-Marriage requires two completely well-adjusted, happy individuals, with very little in the way of emotional neediness of their own or character flaws that need a lot of work. The problem is—there is almost no one like that to marry! The new conception of marriage-as-self-realization has put us in a position of wanting too much out of marriage and yet not nearly enough—at the same time.
Manti Te'o clearly felt like he found that elusive match. She was giving, always thinking of others; faithful, always eager to talk to this devout Mormon about Bible verses; and available, always up for a long chat. She didn't have any flaws, any selfishness, any family issues. And Te'o painfully, publicly learned she was a mirage. Like our online profiles. Like our expectations for a pain-free marriage. Like anything except the profound mystery of God design (Eph. 5;32).
8 Comments
Colin, Thanks for raising an important focus. How sadly true: "a society filled with people so idealistic in what they are seeking in a spouse." But the wanting "not nearly enough" part is such a huge contributor to the problem -- perhaps the root cause to "wanting too much out of marriage." I warn young ladies in particular about the danger of "being in love with the idea of being in love." Recently I used a revision of Tripp's title (What did you expect?) and gave a message titled "What should you expect?" asking how the gospel show define marriage expectations. (If interested: http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2013/01/01/3-important-audio-messages-from-2012/ ).
We need to give singles a better understanding of what to look for in a potential mate. Each fall for the past 20 years, I've offered a class in our university town on this very subject. Some of what I teach is available here: http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/pre-marriage-resources/).
Steve
The issue is not that people have an unrealistic expectation of marriage. The issue is that Christians have not lived communally enough. Living communally exposes one to the fact that one can oscillate between love and hate frequently, even if one necessarily must realize that love is the answer, that at day's end hate is a bar to communion with God. Put another way, realistic expectations of marriage must also factor in the necessity that love must overlook a multitude of sins. Were people to live communally, then realistic expectations of marriage might be the norm not the expectation. Christians do not live communally enough to have a material answer to this question. On the other hand, for example, church groups are too often laboratory of lives built around clothing labels, TV shows, music bands, artisanal beer, and organic food. All these are merely fripperies. How do I love and live as Christ wants me to in this world: in my marriage, in my community, at work, while driving etc? If the answer is not Jesus, one is condemned to live out Sartre's wretched aphorism, Hell is other people.
To be fair, you've made a false dichotomy. We do have unrealistic expectations. We think that there's someone perfect who will serve us perfectly. That they will offer their body as a living sacrifice to ourselves. That's our culture. Consumerism. I'm the first to say that I need to take responsibility
I would have to disagree with you here FCB1899LBJeep. Living communally creates its own new set of issues. We have the oppurunity to see wonderful marriages in our churches, but never the underlying sin and struggle of which you speak. I would think that the most important thing for singles to have a realistic set of expectations, is for them to be taught about what true, biblical, covenantal marriage is all about.
I enjoyed reading this article. I used to do online dating, but I stopped back in 2010, for the very reasons cited in this article. There is no ideal mate, it is just a mirage. Online dating fosters this unrealistic idea that there is someone "better" out there and if I choose this person, I am "missing" out. We all need to recognize that we are more sinful than we could have ever imagined and we are wholly dependent on our redeeming God. Marriage is about loving our spouse in spite of his/her sinfulness, that is what Jesus does and that is what He has called us to do. Laying down our lives for our spouse--daily dying to our own selfishness. Through this process He sanctifies us. I am still single and waiting for the man God has for me. Thank you for posting this article.
God Bless:)
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This article raises some legitimate concerns, but I think we need to be careful when attributing only negatives to online dating. An online dating site, like a social networking site, is merely a tool. When we understand the risks and how to apply discretion, we can commit the rest to the Lord in prayer, knowing that he is still sovereign.
Being immersed in an independent fundamental culture my entire life, I had qualms regarding online dating sites, partly because it wasn't in line with tradition ( I certainly didn't know many who had met that way), it seemed to be frowned upon, and I tend to be a follower. I think many frown upon it because it is new, and not because it is inherently wrong. In defense of online dating, I will say people sign up oftentimes with the intent of finding a spouse, so in that regard, their intentions are less couched than those of peers in church circles who want to know if you can "hang out." Since you're not engaged in fun activities/entertainment at the beginning, you have a chance to discuss a lot of the important things, such as doctrine, parenting, and roles. Sure, we have to pray for discernment and try to not lead people on, and we have to plan to narrow down contacts, and not be chatting just for the fun of it. However, it's not that different from "mail-order brides" from centuries ago, and in this era, many young Christians would be wise to actively pursue marriage.
The Bible teaches us to work, but our jobs aren't handed to us. The Bible also teaches that marriage is in God's design, but today, more than ever, adults are putting it off (sometimes for fear of the responsibility). I was taught that it would just happen, and that as a female, I wasn't to pursue it. I came to believe I must not be impressive enough to attract the right kind of man, and would probably need to wait 10 MORE years and try to establish myself or further my education, etc.
A few short weeks after signing up for Christianmingle.com, I was talking exclusively with the man who is now my husband. He had no prospects where he is from, and was on the same page with me in regards to ministry, finances, etc. Because we were not living close to each other, we got to know each other over the phone (often 2 hour conversations a night). I am now happily married (9 months) and still in awe. We never doubted we were supposed to be together, and can both testify to how God showed himself sovereign in spite of personality differences, how far away we were from each other at the time, etc.
I would highly recommend the book Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen by Candice Watters, and would encourage singles out there to pray for wisdom in HOW to pursue marriage, because it absolutely should be pursued. I will also say that when I signed up, I didn't expect to find someone so easily, and was actually feeling frantic and frenzied over my job/ housing situation. I browsed the profiles frenetically, much like I did with job postings, and sent a few quick emails here and there. I am humbled at the intervention of Jesus, and that he saw fit to allow my husband to be a "match" and that he allowed us to start talking with each other. I wasn't impressive, but we were honest with each other (I told him about my school debt in a chat conversation within a week).
All this to say, regardless of who you are, God can turn around your situation and work through the most unlikely channels. And don't blame the internet or guns for something they didn't do. =)
What a wonderful story, Ruth! Praise God! And thank you for sharing. I agree that anyone who understands the risks and applies discretion to online dating can enjoy the benefits of this tool for connecting. I think the same thing about Facebook and Twitter, which is why I enjoy using them with discernment.