So, a little over a week ago the young married couples small group my wife and I lead had our first salsa lesson. It was great fun and very instructive. As my wife pointed out in a previous post, salsa is all about leadership and submission. If the biblical concept of complementarity baffles you, then take a night to have a salsa lesson. Besides being fun, you’ll have a wonderful model for male-female relationships in marriage. Here’s what I learned:
1. The entire dance depends on male leadership. There is no dance if the man doesn’t lead. The choreography is in his head. He must know the next steps, turns, and destination he desires for the couple. The woman responds to his lead. Without a plan and without leadership, everyone is left standing on the dance floor staring at each other… as my wife and I were on a few occasions during our lesson.
Let me underscore that “choreography in his head” bit. He needs to know more than “I want to dance.” He needs to know–like a good chess player, to mix the metaphor–the next several moves. I’m sure there are many more moves than those we learned. We only had a basic lesson. And let me tell you, just those few basic steps were enough to manage for the both of us! What are we going to do after this next step? Do we need to turn or enter a side step? The variations were dizzying. But it was my responsibility to know the next step. To quote Nietsche, “A man without a plan is no man at all.” Or at least he’s no salsa dancer. Leadership requires a thought-out plan.
Point: Husbands are in a position of inescapable leadership, and that requires actually having a series of moves planned for the marriage and family.
2. Leadership requires a lot of communication. But how to get the choreography in my head into the movement of my wife? Ahhh… there’s the question so many of us ask! Many of us guys live in our heads. We like to “marinate” in an issue before we talk about it. Then when we talk about it, we tend to do so in grunts and half sentences. We leave out the many details and steps along the way to our conclusion/decision. So we fail to bring our wives along with us. They’re watching us as we spring forward like Jacks in the box with our painted on smiles and happy announcements, expecting them to “get it” or at least “get on board.” Is there any wonder that our wives sometimes meet us with looks that say I wish I had a mallet?
But salsa teaches you to constantly communicate. While you choreograph, you must communicate with your partner by means of gentle nudges, leading pulls, and clear signals. The entire dance makes a man get out of his head and get into a rhythm with his partner. And to do that, there must be constant cues, signal saturation, polite pulls, and knowing nudges. Without these cues and signals, there is no way to get the partner in the dance with you.
The difference between a good leader and a poor leader is whether or not he communicates and leads clearly and gently, or roughly. Some women have finished a night of dancing feeling as though they’ve been in a 12-round heavyweight boxing match. Rough communication ruins the dance for the woman. But warm, gentle touches make the dance enjoyable.
Point: Communicate much, much more than you think you need to. She’ll dance with you if you tell her the next move in a loving, gentle way.
3. Many couples need more tension in their lives. Let me explain. During the dance, I noticed that when I wanted to signal the next move, often Kristie didn’t receive the signal. I was stuck trying to figure out how to nudge or pull in a way she could “hear.” Turns out that our arms were extended too far and held too loosely. In order for the signals to be noticeable, we actually needed to move much closer to one another and keep a certain amount of “elastic tension” in our arms. Our arms were to be like rubber bands that could be stretched but always returned to their shape. By keeping this tension, my signals ran like electric current through my arms into hers. And voila! She danced with me!
Point: Hold your wife close to ease and expedite communication.
4. Submission and anticipation are contradictions. Now, this little lesson was eye-opening for me. For a while, I kept complaining to Kristie that she wasn’t doing what I wanted. One problem was the close tension issue above. But another problem was her attempt to anticipate my next move. She was actually trying to help and dance with me. But her efforts to “help me lead” were hampering my ability to lead. Let me say that again for any wives that missed it: Her efforts to “help me lead” were hampering my ability to lead.
I was trying to signal a turn, but she would be millisecond a head of me into a side step. I noticed something about myself at that point. First, I was growing irritated and frustrated but didn’t quite know why. I knew I was trying to do something and, even though she was trying to dance with me, she wasn’t with me. I’d try again, but it still wouldn’t work. Second, I kept trying the same “adjustment” rather than something different. Like, say, talk about it. I kept saying, “You’re not letting me lead.” She kept saying, “What are you talking about?” I’d say, “Stop leading.” She’d say, “What do you mean?” When I asked for a little coaching from the teacher, she’d even watch the teacher and try to do the step, too. Even that frustrated me because I felt like she was interrupting my efforts to learn to lead.
Then I told the teacher on her! Great move. Best move all night. Our salsa instructor pointed out that in no circumstance was she to anticipate my next move. Anticipating was, in effect, leading–which wasnt’ her role. Her efforts to “help me lead” were actually blocking my ability to lead. A marvelous thing happened after that. We put the healthy tension and closeness in our dance, she stopped anticipating, and I was able to lead. We danced well together!
Point: Ladies, ask your husband if there are ways you’re trying to help him that seem to hinder his efforts to lead. That may be an area where your well-intended anticipations actually usurp leadership and ruin the blessing of submission.
5. Submissions depends on a lot of communication. Now, if I were to put myself in my wife’s shoes for a moment, my feet would really hurt. But also, I would understand something about her needs. If the choreography is in my head, if she is not to anticipate but respond, then she really, really needs me to communicate a lot. Her submission requires my expression. That seems like a really obvious thing to say, but I don’t know that I always understand the gravity of the need.
My wife is a very intelligent, capable, and eager woman. The Lord has made her that way. If I don’t communicate–which is what frees her to dance with all that intelligence, ability, and eagerness God has given her–then she’s standing there on the floor feeling wasted and neglected. Ever seen the sitcom where the socially clueless guy who thinks he can dance takes the beautiful woman onto the dance floor and begins to wildly flail and spin in some primitive “dance” without any reference to the woman? What does the woman do? She stands there dumbfounded or embarrassed until she finally walks off the floor–sometimes for her own safety and sometimes simply dejected. The man’s communication in salsa is that important. My wife’s need for communication is that deep. She either feels loved and led, or she feels like she’s got all these God given abilities and desires parked on the dance floor watching some idiot flail and howl at the moon. Yeah, guys, it’s that bad. For our wives to honor and follow us, they need to hear a lot about what we’re thinking and doing.
Here’s the marvelous thing: When we communicate the choreography and set her free to dance, she does exquisite and marvelous things that result joy for both of us! Have you ever watched competitive salsa on television? Where was your attention riveted? I’m sure you enjoyed noticing the outfits, and perhaps you made some observations about the couple. But didn’t you find yourself most taken with the woman whenever the lead gave her room to free style a little bit? The elegance. The smoothness. The artistry. Fingers poised just so. Steps taken with such grace. And, alas, the desire to return to her partner’s outstretched hand and lead. Yeah, that’s dancing!
Point: Liberate my wife. Set her free. Tell her the dance. Then wait for the beauty to flourish. She desires and depends upon this.
6. Love and gentleness are musts. Did I mention that salsa is a romantic dance? Don’t let words like “steps” and “choreography” dupe you into thinking this is mechanistic and stiff. This is Latin dance, man! You gotta get your shoulders into it. She has to hold her hands just so. The eyes ought to lock. The hold should be close and gentle. The “dance” is about love. Communicating it. Sharing it. Seeking it. Clenching it.
I had forgotten this until just this past Sunday. I was sharing our salsa lesson experience with others when a sister came up and introduced herself as the “official salsa coordinating committee” at her church. She was thrilled to hear someone mention salsa in a church announcement. Just as thrilled as I was to share it. Then she said something to the effect of, “Don’t forget that salsa is about telling your wife ‘I love you’.” Those nudges, pulls, taps, spins all say something. They say, “I love you. I adore you. I want to share this life with you.” Dance is one way to tell her that.
Point: Do I need to spell it out?
7. Have fun learning. We forget that in our marriages. We don’t know everything when we say “I do” and the minister pronounces us
“man and wife.” In fact, we don’t know nothing. The entire marriage is a long-running romantic comedy full of slips and falls and glorious moments of wonder. If we pretend to know it all, we’ll surely fail to learn much of anything. We’ll miss the joy of discovery. We’ll languish in our 20-something or 30-something year old understanding even though we’re now 40- or 50- or 60-something with indescribable new opportunities for saying, “Who are you? I love you?” It was fun to learn a little salsa. It was even more fun to discover something else about me and my wife. We can still dance!
Conclusion
So, fellas, take your wife salsa dancing. You don’t need to be good at it. You just need to want to say, “I love you.” And the wonderful thing is the dance itself helps teach you how to say it better.
