Bring Me the Head of a Pig
Kevin DeYoung Blog | April 27, 2012
When I'm around hunter-gatherer men, the type who like to shoot things and talk about carburetors, I feel like everyone is looking aghast at my preppy short sleeve polo I got on sale at Target. In such company, I might as well have grown up in a microfiche museum raised by two librarians. I'm not really one of the guys. I'm too high brow, too soft.
But then on other occasions, I feel like the country bumpkin who doesn't know what fork to use and doesn't understand why there is a dude standing at the men's room with smelly things trying to help me. Most often, I feel out of place around fancy food. I love Southern Seminary to pieces and have been blessed to eat with Dr. Mohler and others there several times, but the number of world class salads they've wasted on me would prick even the most seared conscience. I keep waiting in vain for some kind of hot dog that ends in the word "stuff" or a cheese that begins with "vel" and end with "veeta." I don't fit in a refined culture (although refined beans? perhaps).
I found this out again yesterday when I was flying to Dallas. For only the second time in my life I was bumped into first class. I know, I know, what kind of rube am I to be impressed by first class on a Delta regional jet? Well that kind of rube I guess. Yikes, all the things the comedians taught me really were true. I was half expecting the waitress to bring me the head of a pig and someone from coach to fiddle for me.
I felt sheepish when the gate agent called me up by name and told me I was being bumped to first class. I took the new ticket excitedly, but also fearful that some Christian might recognize me in Minneapolis and then I'd have to get into the awkward "I didn't pay for this tickets and I'm only using it so I can work on a sermon" conversation. It's hard to look like you are suffering when you are not.
When I got to my seat a very friendly flight attendant immediately asked if I wanted something to drink. When I told her water would be fine--the bottle of water already in my cup holder thingy!--she looked at me with a mix of pity and disdain, as if I were choosing to drink out of the toilet bowl. Before the coach passengers had all boarded, she was back through the first class section again taking orders for a second time. Someone across the aisle got a lovely breakfast platter--the oats in the oatmeal looked steel cut and the orange juice appeared very freshly squeezed. I, on the other hand, turned down breakfast because I already had some of those tater tot things at Burger King.
Before the meals arrived we got large napkins placed over our laps so as to prevent spilling. Very convenient, if awkward. We also each received a moist towel. Not a towelette mind you, but a real honest to goodness towel. It was indeed quite moist, and warm too. I was so flummoxed I had to peer out of the corner of my eye to what others were doing with this special gift placed gently in our palms with sterile tweezers. While I was busy washing my hands like a peasant I noticed others were dabbing their cheeks every so slightly or wiping their furrowed brows. I guess it was like a little bath.
Toward the end of the flight I was getting hungry. So I flagged down the eager-to-help attendant and asked if I might trouble her for peanuts, pretzels, or one of those twofer packages of cookies (the really hard kind that are almost as good as Dutch windmill cookies). She looked crestfallen and told me she'd check in the back. A few minutes later she came with a bag of each, but informed me, "We don't really serve these in first class when we serve a meal." Shame was written all over my face, like a man who goes to Morton's and asks for ketchup with his steak. But if I wasn't going to get a bag of 13 peanuts at some point why did I go to all the trouble of washing my hands with a pre-moistened towel? Sheesh.
After reflecting on the day, I'm concluded that my cultural sweet spot is somewhere just north of Golden Corral and a little south of Olive Garden. A little above bowling and a little below a butterfly exhibit. I can do the zoo, but I'll probably stop to get one of those wax figurines.
And as for travel I'm probably a coach guy. But preferably in the exit row.
Comments:
April 28, 2012 at 01:17 PM
Kevin, you could totally give Brian Regan a run for his money. I was in stitches with this one.
April 27, 2012 at 12:47 PM
Yes, we all knew you were a celebrity pastor, so enjoy the first class and write your next book while there! Some time you will have to try taking a flight on Korean Air and then writing about your experiences with their warm towels, the little gift bag they give you including a mask so you can sleep! Just don't eat the last warm roll they try to serve you! I am not cultured enough to know what is inside, but it was not pretty in the last hour of a 12 hour flight!
April 27, 2012 at 12:29 PM
You think getting bumped to first class makes you feel out of place? Try landing in the US after living all your life in the third-world! I remember ordering a drink at the airport in London. I was given a disposable cup with a plastic lid and a straw. The lid had a cross cut in the middle and had these spherical protrusions in two spots closer to the rim. I thought the straw when pushed into the spherical protrusion would cause it to pop. It didn't. I looked around to see what others were doing. No luck. So I quietly pulled out my keys and tried to push the key in. Didn't work. I removed the lid and tried again. No luck. I finally placed the lid to the side, popped my straw into the cup and began to drink. That's when I noticed a guy seated further out simply push the straw into the center cut. Duh
April 27, 2012 at 10:42 PM
We had a great thing working several years ago when flying was still reasonably cheap and they didn't charge you for breathing their air on the aircraft. We'd schedule to fly out on Sundays when space was limited, take a bump for the four of us ( family ) fly home on Monday, usually, first class. Nice deal with 400.00 dollar vouchers to boot. The last time we did it my wife and daughter got 1st class while my son and I sat a few rows behind in coach. Yes, I am unashamed to admit, we were having them order food us and we snuck it back into coach. Them were the days.
April 27, 2012 at 10:03 AM
Those Dutch windmill cookies are called speculaas. Just in case you want to order some ;)
April 27, 2012 at 10:00 AM
I am a devoted reader of your blog and your books. And while I appreciate your theological depth, this has GOT to be the best post you've ever written. I nearly spewed my coffee. When I got married, it was like Redneck meets Blueblood (I, being the redneck and my husband being the Blueblood.) So I can totally relate.
April 27, 2012 at 09:20 AM
You're so winsome!
April 27, 2012 at 09:03 AM
Great post! I think there are quite a few out there that can identify with your plight(s).
April 27, 2012 at 08:54 AM
So beautifully written.
From a Southern point of view, which we so wisely have down here in Mississippi, our expression is "the good ol'e boys." Not exactly the head of a pig. but we do lick our fingers.
April 27, 2012 at 08:53 AM
This was very funny. I don;t get to fly very much and I've never been in first class but I've always wondered what goes on up there. Thanks for the morning laugh! :)
April 27, 2012 at 08:48 PM
This was fantastic! I'm the country bumpkin in my marriage; my husband is decidedly not. He is a pilot, and though I have only flown in first class once or twice, I was absolutely miserable! "A cumbersome peasant with the sophistication of a monkey" -- exactly!
April 27, 2012 at 08:41 AM
Great story. If for some odd reason you are still going to be around Sunday and need a place to worship, come visit us! We're a new PCA church plant on the south edge of the metroplex and would love the encouragement. I can't promise warm towels or pig's head, but we can arrange our chairs with as much leg room as we want!
Hope the return flight is less glamorous.
April 27, 2012 at 08:14 AM
If you got a free ticker to first class why didn't you order something nice if its provide for first class passangers? Make the use of the free ticket. :) Its not wrong doing it cause you got it for free!! And you deserve it for all the hard sermons you poured out! :) Order something nice on the menu and enjoy yourself. Cause its not everyday you get to go first class!! :) Get a nice drink for yourself. Just praise the Lord you were bless with first class!!
So remember next time your in first class don't feel bad for ordering something fancy and nice. :) If its free then do so and enjoy the blessings. Its like a poor beggar coming into the kings palace and offered nice clothes, banquet and a warm nice bed. The beggar was invited cause the orginal guess could not come or made excuse not too! So the beggar was blessed!!
But the beggar felt he could not put on the clothes or participate in anything cause he was not for him and he did not earnt it. IT DOES NOT MATTER HE WAS INVITED AND ITS ALL FREE FOR HIM. :) So he should not be ashamed. :)
So I hope Kevin you won't feel ashamed too if next time the Lord blesses you with a first class ticket. Its yours enjoy its rewards. :) Your earn the right anway! :)
Oh and while your in first class try and make conversion if you can and share with the first class about Jesus. :) Perhaps give them pamplet to read if your too busy. :) That will be a new thing for them. And don't be too shy questioning the flight attendant with her facial remakarks. Tell her how you feel! :) But in a poliet way.
Your in first class she shouldn't treat you strangely just because you wanted water or nuts to eat. She should treat you like a first class passanger! :)
April 27, 2012 at 08:11 AM
Isn't the real story here that you were full after eating burger king tots?? I've been bumped up once in my life also - and i was like a kid in a candy shop. good times, thanks for the post.
April 27, 2012 at 07:27 AM
Monday morning humor came early
Thanks!
April 27, 2012 at 06:21 AM
From one bumpkin to another - thanks for the early morning laugh! It even got a few chuckles from my daughter - the ultimate affirmation :).
April 27, 2012 at 04:41 AM
Haha, I enjoyed that read quite thoroughly. I love airport/airplane stories....
April 27, 2012 at 02:53 PM
I am also a misfit; too distinguished for fixing trucks and shooting ducks. Yet in the halls of the elite I am a cumbersome peasant with the sophistication of a monkey.
April 27, 2012 at 01:43 AM
Hilarious! Thanks for sharing. We all feel a bit out of our depth at times - either too shallow or too deep. You captured it very well.
April 27, 2012 at 01:17 PM
Sometimes I think we would all do better with a touch of Asperger's syndrome; we would be less inclined to read things into facial expressions and innocuous statements about what is "usual". Face to face communication can add things that just aren't there! Psalm of the day: Psalm 119:46. People are people.
April 27, 2012 at 01:14 PM
Oh my, my mascara is running big-time!! And burning my eyes! And I thought I'd purchased waterproof--and organic!! Thanks for that:( :-). I'm printing off this blog and placing it in my bathroom for toilet reading. Thanks! You're the best!
April 27, 2012 at 01:14 PM
Ha! that's great. I know this space so well, the space in between:
In such company, I might as well have grown up in a microfiche museum raised by two librarians
and:
But then on other occasions, I feel like the country bumpkin who doesn’t know what fork to use and doesn’t understand why there is a dude standing at the men’s room with smelly things trying to help me.
Like when we got a great deal on priceline to a 5-star hotel - never was quite sure how much to tip the valet parking guys for parking our mini-van, complete with its fresh new coating of dust from the state fair parking lot.
April 27, 2012 at 01:10 PM
Reminds of a story Spurgeon used to tell. He was riding in a first class compartment on a train between speaking engagements. A young man who was a student at his Pastor's College saw him on his way up to the bathroom and said, "Mr. Spurgeon, what are you doing up here? I am riding in the back in 3rd class taking care of God's money". Spurgeon replied, "I am here in 1st class taking care of the Lord's servant."
Let Me Direct You Elsewhere… | hisgracemygrowth
April 29, 2012 at 12:40 PM
[...] The Spiritual Discipline Of Sleep: Thank you DA. Carson for making my desire for sleep a spiritual matter! This is a great article, that I should probably heed. On a more humorous note, DeYoung writes a funny post that I can relate to greatly, called Bring Me The Head of a Pig. [...]