Ten Years, Ten Lessons
Kevin DeYoung Blog | May 1, 2012
Well, today is my lovely bride's birthday. Hardly a week goes by without someone reminding me how lucky (in a Calvinistic sense of course) I am to have the wife I do. Much better than I deserve.Since our tenth anniversary was just a few months ago, I'd thought I share ten things I've learned about marriage. Guys, feel free to take notes. Honey, I know I still have more to learn.
1. Take time to notice and say thank you. It may be the same chores, the same meal, and the same kids, but don't overlook all that your wife continues to do for you. Pay attention and let her know you are paying attention.
2. Speaking of paying attention, don't try to fake it. If you are immersed in the game or an email or a book better to tell her so instead of making a vain attempt at multitasking. Say "Dear, let me finish this page/paragraph/play and I'll be able to give you my undivided attention."
3. Get her something for Christmas, Valentine's Day, her birthday, and her anniversary. Consider Ground Hog's Day and Arbor Day just to be safe. She may tell you she doesn't need anything. And with some wives, she may even mean it. But don't find out if she does.
4. Surprise her. Don't be dull. Don't always be predictable. Surprise her with a poem, a gift, a trip, a night out with her friends, a chance to see her mom, a day home from the office. Show her that you think about her even when you aren't expected to.
5. And while we are talking about expectation, understand that sometimes she wants you to "get it" without having to spell it out for you. Yes, it would be easier if your wife just told you exactly what she wanted when she wanted it. But that ain't the way things work with the fairer sex. You have to learn to pick up the coffee without her telling you to. You have to pick the right restaurant on your own. Sometimes what she wants more than anything else is for you to figure out what she wants. That may drive you bonkers, but it's part of loving your wife well enough to know her well.
6. Don't compare. No wife is perfect (except mine probably), but don't try to improve her by comparison. Nothing good is going to happen when you bring up your momma, your buddy's wife, or Susanna Wesley. Unless the comparison is to Jesus, just drop it.
7. Don't use up all your words by 6pm. Your wife wants you to talk, so learn to talk. Talk about your day. Talk about your plans. If you have feelings, talk about those too. Respond to her communication with more than nods and hmms. And don't say "interesting" if you aren't really listening. You'll get yourself in trouble.
8. Don't talk about leading, just lead. A lengthy discussion on the meaning of kephale will fascinate a few wives, but almost all wives appreciate a husband's gentle leadership. Ask her to pray. Say "let's." Take initiative with the kids, especially in discipline. Call the babysitter. Iron out the details. Don't shy away from hard decisions. Be a man.
9. Make her laugh. A marriage without humor is like oatmeal without brown sugar: it might still be good for you, but it's basically congealed mush. If you've stopped laughing, you may have started hardening.
10. Repent and forgive. Say "I'm sorry." Be specific and don't make excuses. Try to see things her way. If you were only half wrong, own up to your half of the wrong. And when she owns up to her half (or her three-quarters or her one-eighth), give her grace, give her a hug, and move on.
Happy birthday Trisha. And no, this blog is not your only present.
Comments:
May 6, 2012 at 08:58 AM
On vacation. I have just read The Good News We Almost Forgot for the third or forth time. It is just what this world needs. My mission is the promotion of the Heidelberg and I have disbursed hundreds of copies. Your book is like an Amish quilt say perfect in every way for all who are wishing to grow in the Lord. The quilts have a delibrate flaw in them by tradition. I have read every word so well that on page 164 Paragraph 3 line #4 there is "one" word missing. I have and will continue to disburse to all I can this wonderful news that you have so clearly laid out. Even a child could understand and an adult could cherish.I previously used G. I. Williamsons Book " A Syudy Guide to the Heidelberg Catechism. Good Bless You in your writings and ministry. So much more to share in Heaven.
May 6, 2012 at 01:23 PM
[...] DeYoung: Ten Years Married, Ten Lessons Learned ….Since our tenth anniversary was just a few months ago, I’d thought I share ten [...]
May 4, 2012 at 02:54 PM
Great advice! Thanks Kevin!
May 2, 2012 at 11:42 PM
Good list, true and insightful and funny. But about that last sentence, in what way is this blog post a birthday present for Trish? Sounds more like a declaration of all the stuff you do for her.
May 2, 2012 at 10:39 PM
Please wish Trisha a belated Happy Birthday from the De Haan's in Iowa - the question you might have is which family? We think about you often even if we haven't stayed in touch. No doubt, you are both gifted in so many ways - yours gets noticed more often - but hers are just as unique and important. We are certainly better to have known you two - and thankful to Christ for your ministry (both, together)!
May 2, 2012 at 09:57 AM
Thanks for this pastor,
Truly blessed to be able to hear you preach evey weekend. My wife's birthday was may 1 too. This blog about marriage is so practical :)
May 2, 2012 at 08:56 AM
Thanks, Kevin. I appreciate this.
May 2, 2012 at 02:38 PM
[...] Ten Years, Ten Lessons - Kevin DeYoung gives ten things that he has learned through ten years of marriage with his wife. [...]
May 1, 2012 at 12:53 PM
Kevin, I liked you before (the weird stalker, you've never met me but I have listened to a few of your sermons kind of like), but this is great marriage advice, thank you. Now that you have ten chapters...
May 1, 2012 at 12:20 PM
This is wonderful! Great advice!
May 1, 2012 at 10:19 PM
She's a good one! Happy B-Day, Trish and congrats on 10 years. (That's a lot of kids in 10 years.)
May 1, 2012 at 10:18 AM
I love this statement, "If you’ve stopped laughing, you may have started hardening." Thank you for posting!
May 1, 2012 at 10:06 AM
This is probably the most thoughtful, intelligent post I have ever read from you. I was astounded by #5 and #7. I didn't think it was possible for a husband to "get" those things and not resent them as injustices imposed by wives on husbands. Well done!
May 1, 2012 at 09:40 AM
Good advice!
May 1, 2012 at 09:40 AM
" Try to see things her way. "
Isn't there a Henny Youngman joke in here somewhere? :)
May 1, 2012 at 08:30 PM
Congratulations on 10 yrs of marriage. Went fast, didn't it? We're coming down on 39 yrs in July. The speed only increases. Only now, in ways I could not grasp when younger, do I see what a splendid gift He gave me in my wife.
May 1, 2012 at 08:29 AM
Thanks Pastor Kevin,
Especially appreciated your use of the term, gentle leading.
With now 53 years by His grace of marriage, still learning. A good listener critical.
May 1, 2012 at 06:54 PM
Grandpa was in seminary to be a Roman Catholic priest until he met Grandma, who was a nun at the time..... Let's just say that part did not work out.
But Grandpa had three axioms for living which he shared with me on their 60th wedding anniversary and one is relating to marriage. While you do have to repent and say I am sorry, he said that marriage is a life of forgiveness. Forgive, and forgive and forgive. I have reflected on this many times over the past few decades and appreciate the wisdom. Now if I could just get my wife to do that.....
May 1, 2012 at 04:31 PM
I'm going to hand this out at church to the men on Mother's day as a gift to their wives. :)
May 1, 2012 at 03:57 PM
#5 So, so true!!!
Of course, my problem is that I have a masculine mind in some respects, so believe it or not... I sometimes have this problem myself even though I'm a woman. Which leads me to wonder if anything will ever get done in our house if I get married. :)
May 1, 2012 at 03:33 PM
Great stuff! Can't wait to be this for my wife someday.
Bernard
May 6, 2012 at 09:42 PM
"Don’t use up all your words by 6pm."
Great line.