How to Respond If Your Child Comes Out

“It’s not a matter of if students will announce same-sex attractions and transgender identities, but when,” a Christian private school administrator told me recently. “I’ll be surprised if my own kids don’t wonder whether they’re gay or trans, given how ubiquitous these ideologies are.”

We can expect a spate of announcements on October 11, dubbed National Coming Out Day by the sex-and-gender movement. Creating an annual opportunity for people to reject traditional sexuality and personhood is a stroke of marketing genius: not only is it OK to be gay or trans, but broadcasting it in the public square now garners praise, parades, and pedestals.

For Christian parents, watching a child walk away from biblical foundations on sex and identity can be extremely hard, especially if the child is headed toward irreversible medicalization.

For Christian parents, watching a child walk away from biblical foundations on sex and identity can be extremely hard, especially if the child is headed toward irreversible medicalization. Transgender identification fuels “gender medicine,” and a multiplying swarm of profit-driven doctors leads more and more vulnerable people to sterility, disfigurement, and psychopathy. At the same time, “I’m Your Mom Now” huggers and social media influencers assert that anyone who doesn’t applaud someone’s coming out is hateful, toxic, bigoted, and should be ostracized.

In light of this malignant cultural narrative, how can parents best respond to a child’s coming out?

1. Remain calm.

The deck has been stacked against parents by activists who declare that concerns or questions are evidence that parents don’t love their children or want them to be happy. This false dichotomy—“embrace the ideology or reject the child entirely”—cleaves children from their parents before a single word is uttered. An unfettered panic response will only pound that wedge in further.

Take a breath, count to 10, and say, “I appreciate how much courage it took for you to tell me this.”

2. Affirm your love.

Then affirm your unconditional and permanent love.

Society has been programmed to believe that parents only love their children if they capitulate to everything those children want, feel, and believe. Address the dearth of common sense in that mindset later; right now, you want to short-circuit such a destructive lie. Say, “No matter what, we will always love you. We will always be your mom and dad.”

3. Take a minute.

Ask for time to assimilate this information if you need it, which you probably do.

The announcement may have come out of the blue, or you may have anticipated it. Either way, you likely feel shock, sadness, and anxiety. Your feelings are legitimate. Say to your child, “This is brand new to me, and I need some time to process. Thank you for your patience as I learn.”

4. Do your research.

Next, investigate what brought your child to this conclusion.

How did your child arrive here? Is she a tween girl who got swept up in the social contagion of gender? Are you dealing with an adult man who slipped under the brainwashing influence of porn that encourages feminization? Does your child have a diagnosis of depression, prior trauma, or autism? The existence of other mental health or neurological diagnoses increases children’s susceptibility to activists’ insistence that they feel different because they’re transgender.

Figuring out what happened will inform how to move forward.

It’s important to recognize that same-sex attraction and transgenderism are two different ball games.

It’s important to recognize that same-sex attraction and transgenderism are two different ball games. A homosexual lifestyle runs counter to God’s plan for human intimacy, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to immediate physical harm. Transgender ideology, on the other hand, demands breast- and rib-crushing chest binders, development-inhibiting puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones that wreak havoc on the body, and irreversible surgeries that mutilate primary and secondary sex organs. If your child says she is lesbian or he is gay, you may have some time to work through the issues. If your child wants to transition to a different gender, you should anticipate urgent conversations about permanent, body-altering medical treatments.

Your child’s age and family situation also play a role in your next steps. The married, biological parents of a minor can pull from public school, rescind the smartphone, and delete social media. But if parents are divorced and don’t agree on what’s best for the child, responding in a productive way may be difficult. With financially independent adult children, parents have little control.

5. Take action.

Finally, determine what you believe about the issue, set boundaries, and get support for yourself.

If you hold a biblical worldview on sex and gender, you have as much right to your position as your child claims to have for his or hers. You can say, “Sleepovers involving potential sexual partners are not permitted in this house,” or “I cannot refer to you by different pronouns, because I don’t believe that’s something God agrees with.”

You may be in for a long journey as you seek to realign your child with health and reality, so surround yourself with support. Join an online or in-person support group for parents who are working through difficult issues with their children. If you engage a therapist, make sure you’re both on the same page about what represents health and reality. Confide in friends who will pray for and with you.

But above all, as you parent your child, seek God’s guidance, the Holy Spirit’s wisdom, and Christ’s manner of exhibiting perfect love while holding to biblical truth. Your child’s coming out may have blindsided you, but nothing surprises God. He loves you, he loves your child, and he has a path through this prepared for you.