Pastor, Love Even Difficult People Restoratively

Soon after I began ministry, I heard an expert say it only takes six toxic people to drive a pastor out of a church. It doesn’t matter whether the church has a hundred members or ten thousand; it only takes six. At times, I’ve caught myself calculating, “OK, that’s only three. I think I’ll make it!” Should I have accepted this statistic fatalistically, keeping a tally of dedicated opponents so I could reserve a U-Haul at the fifth mark? I don’t see that attitude commended in Scripture.

Christ commands us to love both our neighbors and our enemies (Matt. 5:44; 22:39). But some individuals persistently poison a pastor’s emotional life despite his best efforts to love them selflessly. Instead of returning our love, the difficult person emotionally spurns, verbally jabs, or relationally manipulates. This may be because the church member sees the worst possible motives behind every mistake: “You misspelled my daughter’s name in the bulletin because you hate her.” It may be a leader who slanders you in his circles of influence: “He no longer preaches the gospel.” Or a staff member who, out of jealousy, undermines your leadership by exaggerating examples of your “incompetence.”

The difficult person in your life may come across to others as a godly prayer warrior, diligent student of the Bible, and devoted volunteer. But for whatever reason, he has determined you’re “bad for the church.” Such difficulty can be painful, exasperating, paralyzing, and disheartening. But even if you’d go so far as to describe him as toxic, you’re never free not to love him. The question is how to love a difficult person restoratively. Consider the following insights gleaned from David’s relationship with Saul in Psalm 57.

1. Validation

We first need to validate whether our feelings square with reality. Just because we feel we’re being wronged doesn’t mean we are. Just because we’re told we’re upsetting someone doesn’t mean her feelings are valid. One reason the Bible tells us to include another person when there’s an offense is so he can help us discern what’s true between two differing perspectives (Matt. 18:15–16).

Even if you’d go so far as to describe the person as toxic, you’re never free not to love him.

Before the first spear from Saul’s hand whizzed past his ear, David may have thought, Does Saul hate me, or am I overthinking this? Saul’s actions clearly validated David’s suspicions, and knowing the truth also empowered him to plan his escape (1 Sam. 20). When we know we’ve been truly wronged, we better know how to act appropriately. Concretely, we know whether to call the police, an attorney, or a trusted friend.

Knowing the truth also informed David’s prayers. He appealed to God for vindication and praised him when he delivered: “He sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me—God sends for his love and his faithfulness” (Ps. 57:3, NIV).

In our circumstances, we need the truth just like David did. Sometimes truth came to David by revelation, sometimes through circumstances, and sometimes from good counselors. Sometimes the truth vindicated David and sometimes it brought conviction (Ps. 51:1–19). Regardless, it was as Jesus said it would be: liberating (John 8:31–32, 36). When you encounter a difficult person, first discern the truth. Often this means getting another person’s perspective. So reach out to a trusted counselor or mediator and ask for help in discernment.

2. Hope

To love a difficult person restoratively requires gospel hope, the assurance God will heal all things in his future kingdom (Isa. 51:11; Rom. 8:18–25). David knew God’s purposes for him would be accomplished (v. 2). How was he so sure? Because God is faithful, loving, and all powerful (vv. 5, 10, 11). That constellation of covenantal attributes produces unshakable hope.

The sister of a difficult church member once asked me, “Will heaven erase this animosity, or will we have to live with this pain forever?” I assured her heaven would put everything back together, then she said with a sigh, “OK then, I can hang on and wait for that.” If Jesus can reconcile us to the Father, he can heal every relational pain. In the meantime, we’re joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer (Rom. 12:12). When a difficult person discourages your ministry, pray for a fresh conviction about the “hope of glory” (Col. 1:27), for faith that Christ is at work both in them and you.

3. Perspective

By the Spirit’s guidance, David distinguished between Saul’s actions and Saul’s person. Though Saul was called “the LORD’s anointed” (e.g., 1 Sam. 24:6) David recognized when evil controlled him (18:10–11). When Saul acted in evil ways, he wasn’t evil personified; only the Devil is. That’s why David held out hope for Saul’s repentance (24:16–22). Similarly, we must never quit praying for a difficult person’s restoration.

Remember Manasseh, one of David’s successors? The Bible says that he did “more evil than the nations whom the LORD destroyed before the people of Israel,” even to the point of ritually sacrificing his children (2 Chron. 33:6, 9). When he refused to listen to the prophets’ warnings, the Lord allowed him to be taken into the Assyrians’ cruel captivity. It proved a severe mercy. He cried out to the Lord, and “God was moved by his entreaty and heard his plea and brought him again to Jerusalem into his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the LORD was God” (vv. 10, 13).

Surely whatever person you’re dealing with isn’t as bad as Manasseh. No one is beyond God’s mercy. However contrary it may be to your feelings, “pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:44). Specifically pray God would “grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth” (2 Tim. 2:25). Repentance is a gift of grace (Acts 11:18)—pray for God to bestow it miraculously on the difficult person in your ministry so God may gain a name for himself as he did with Manasseh.

4. Boundaries

Nevertheless, to love restoratively we must set boundaries with difficult folks. When Saul was trying to kill him, David kept a mountain between the two of them (1 Sam. 23:26). Even after Saul apparently repented, David and his men didn’t go back to Saul’s home but to the “stronghold” (24:22). David feared that Saul could give in to evil again and pursue David’s harm. Sadly, his fears came true.

God puts limits on hell’s destructiveness. He doesn’t allow hell to exercise all its evil potential. When we limit another’s ability to do harm, we imitate God’s mercy. In his poem “Divine Justice,” C. S. Lewis wrote,

God in His mercy made
The fixed pains of Hell.
That misery might be stayed,
God in His mercy made
Eternal bounds and bade
Its waves no further swell.
God in His mercy made
The fixed pains of Hell.

Paul’s exhortation to Titus to set boundaries on divisive people is instructive for pastors: “As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him” (Titus 3:10). Set the boundaries, but pray hopefully for the Spirit to use them to give the difficult person the gift of true repentance.

5. Repentance

Just as our difficult friends are subject to evil’s influence, so are we. We must live in a posture of repentance. This openness and vulnerability before the Lord gave David a true sense of security. He testified that his heart was “steadfast” or confident before the Lord (Ps. 57:7). Nothing can provide a more accurate sense of self-esteem than living openly before the face of God. Abused people can enjoy wallowing in their self-pity. Victims in toxic relationships can enjoy always having a prayer request that makes people feel sorry for them. Jesus even asked the paralytic at the Pool of Bethesda, “Do you want to be healed?” (John 5:6).

We must constantly ask the Lord to search our hearts (Ps. 139:23–24) to see if we want our relationships with difficult people to improve. Ask God to show you if you’re clinging to a toxic relationship because you want a reason for people to feel sorry for you.

6. Freedom to Love

What’s striking about Psalm 57 is the ebullience of David’s praise that immediately follows a description of his enemies in hot pursuit. David was the leader God’s people needed because he hid himself in God and focused on the abundance of God’s love rather than on the evil of his enemies. God’s love is a secure stronghold out of which we can boldly love others.

God’s love is a secure stronghold out of which we can boldly love others.

Through David’s resilience, we see the glorious steadfastness of God’s character (v. 7) as it’s fulfilled in the endurance of David’s greater son, Jesus Christ. And because Jesus has triumphed over all the enemies of God’s church, he has made us, his disciples, “steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord” (1 Cor. 15:58). Jesus’s resurrection gives us hope in every difficult situation.

Pastor, Christ wants your good deeds to provoke your parishioners to glorify the Father (Matt. 5:16). For this to be the case, your righteousness must exceed that of the self-righteous pretenders who only love those who love them back (v. 20). Limits and forthrightness are necessary with difficult people, but they must be employed with restorative motives, not merely for self-protection. When you do love in this way, such excessive righteousness will only be explained by pointing to the heavenly Father’s love that was proven when he sent his Son for us while we were still his enemies (Rom. 5:8).