When our kids are young, it seems like the world is their oyster. They play freely with their friends, ask questions without hesitation, and are full of energy—sometimes too much energy. They’re relatively easy to entertain, and they think we—their parents—are cool.
But then the teenage years come. Our kids no longer think we’re cool. They want their distance, and their speech and mannerisms have an edge. They listen to different types of music and hang out in their rooms all day on the phone, playing video games with their friends.
Some of this change is natural as kids grow up. But there are times when something seems off. What happens when teenage angst turns into serious anger problems? What happens when they hang out in their rooms all day on the phone playing video games without their friends? What happens when they quit activities they once enjoyed?
Watching a child suffer from depression is a parent’s nightmare. We often try to fix the problem in the cleanest, most efficient way we know. We tell our kids to pray and read the Bible more, we give advice based on our experience, and we research a laundry list of helpful suggestions—but that doesn’t always solve the problem. Our suggestions can be met with pushback, our advice can fall on deaf ears, and our directives to pray and read the Bible can be met with derision and scorn.
Watching a child suffer from depression is a parent’s nightmare. We often try to fix the problem in the cleanest, most efficient way we know.
We may feel we’re at a loss and, more than that, like we failed. We may blame our spouses, the school system, our neighborhoods, or certain friends. We may ask, What if I hadn’t done this or that?
As parents, especially Christian parents, we need to be equipped to manage our children’s depression from a biblical perspective. Here are three tips for parents whose teens may suffer from persistent sadness.
Destigmatize
I work in an Asian church context. While depression is being discussed more often, it still remains to some extent a taboo topic in my community. Older adults fear that any admission of mental illness will cause a teen they love to be viewed with suspicion by others or to be excluded from activities he or she enjoys.
These extreme cases can lead parents to deny their children are anything but happy and healthy. But many people who live typical lives deal with depression. They’re our coworkers, friends, classmates, and family members. Every year, about 15 percent of 12- to 17-year-olds experience adolescent depression.
When I learned about a close friend’s battle with depression, it helped me understand that person in a different way. Instead of seeing him antagonistically, my heart grew in compassion for him as a fellow sojourner in the faith who’s learning Christ’s grace is sufficient in his weakness. Parents would do well to understand that having depression doesn’t sentence a child to a miserable life or to being a pariah.
Discern
While older generations may be slow to recognize depression concerns, Gen Z can be too quick to do so. When your teen tells you he or she is depressed, it’s important to distinguish serious concerns from normal, everyday emotions.
Not every bad day is a sign of depression, nor is every nervous feeling a sign of anxiety. Parents can harm their teens both by ignoring serious underlying issues and by overreacting to temporary emotions. In general, major depression includes “some of the following signs and symptoms, most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks,” according to the National Institute of Mental Health:
- persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
- feelings of irritability, frustration, or restlessness
- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
- decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling slowed down
- difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- difficulty sleeping, waking early in the morning, or oversleeping
- changes in appetite or unplanned weight changes
- physical aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not have a clear physical cause and do not go away with treatment
- thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts
If these signs are evident and persistent, parents should contact a professional therapist or psychologist and look at the possibility of beginning a medical treatment plan. There are plenty of Christian counselors who can help not only with treatment but with a biblical perspective on depression.
Disarm
A young adult I know has dealt with major depression. When giving her testimony, she said it annoyed her when her parents would tell her to “just pray.” Those words, said with the best of intentions, didn’t account for the complicated nuances of this young woman’s problems. She ended up feeling worse, and their relationship grew increasingly tense.
As parents, we must ensure our words and actions don’t exacerbate our teens’ struggles when they’re experiencing crises.
In the book of Job, three friends came to comfort Job after he suffered unfathomable calamities. They weren’t much help. They told Job his sin was causing his pain and that his fortunes would be reversed if he’d only repent. Job became defensive, and when the Lord intervened in chapter 38, he revealed suffering doesn’t always have a black-and-white explanation.
Like Job’s friends, parents can struggle to establish a connection with their teen during a depressive episode. There are no formulas, no prescriptions. Yes, medications can help your child to think more clearly, but they don’t replace the support only a parent can provide, nor can they cure a sinful heart. Helping our children through depression will require compassion and sacrificial love we can’t produce ourselves—these are characteristics only found in our Savior.
Helping our children through depression will require us to reach a level of compassion and sacrificial love we may have never known before—characteristics only found in our Savior.
Our best tool to disarm our teens during a crisis of depression or anxiety is the gospel. Jesus, the Son of God, seated at his right hand in heaven, took on human nature and endured intense suffering. In 1 Peter 2:23, we learn that “when he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.”
When we point our children to the example Jesus set in his suffering, we relieve ourselves from the impossible burden of being the fixer. Our children can instead fall into the much stronger arms of a God who can handle their darkest moments, their deepest fears, and their most troubling depressive episodes.
There are no easy answers for depression. Some teens may require medication, others may not. Some may wrestle for a season, others for a lifetime. Some episodes have clear-cut causes, others don’t. But there’s a Savior who will be by our side, wrestling for us, even when we’ve lost the strength to fight.
Involved in Women’s Ministry? Add This to Your Discipleship Toolkit
We need one another. Yet we don’t always know how to develop deep relationships to help us grow in the Christian life. Younger believers benefit from the guidance and wisdom of more mature saints as their faith deepens. But too often, potential mentors lack clarity and training on how to engage in discipling those they can influence.
Whether you’re longing to find a spiritual mentor or hoping to serve as a guide for someone else, we have a FREE resource to encourage and equip you. In Growing Together: Taking Mentoring Beyond Small Talk and Prayer Requests, Melissa Kruger, TGC’s vice president of discipleship programming, offers encouraging lessons to guide conversations that promote spiritual growth in both the mentee and mentor.
